Wowthisishard's CYOA
About the Author Wowthisishard. ..is also in charge of the Is this cliche good or bad? contest. CYOA Your Character You are a middle-class 20 year old (lesbian) female named Slutty McSlutslut and an extremely dedicated Pastafarian that is as awesome as humanly possible. Your birthday is February 29. You like big (female) butts and you can not lie. Your catchphrase is "Screw the rules I have money!" You are a white American... in America with brown hair and hazel eyes. You are a shy hot nerd. Your way of dealing with authority is best described by the phrase, fight the power. You are unknown by everyone (it might be because you moved to the city you live in). Your sanity is best described as about to snap. The Story Begins You wake up at 11:12 after your metapod-shaped alarm goes off for the 23rd time. Holy **** your late for work. After changing, you rush out the door of your house and into your car. Your drive to work goes normally and get out of your car and park in front of the statue of Jack Bauer. Suddenly you notice something out of place, a hole appeared in the middle of nowhere. You walk into the hole and fall. Now what do you do... A. Summon your team of ninja lawyers and sue someone's ass off. B. scream for help! C. start reading the book, the number 23 D. put something in. E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) Your team of ninja lawyers jumps out of the shadows and fall down the hole, determined to make as much money as possible. They form a human ladder and allow you to climb out. You file a lawsuit and take it to a small claims court. You successfully gain one million dollars, but because lawyers are bloodsucking demons they sue you for $999,000 because of the back damage you've done to them while climbing up from the hole. How do you react? A. Kick them all in the balls B. run away C. Kick them all in the balls and run away D. Put it all in E. Pay them F Other (specify) G. Combination (specify) You kick them all in the balls, and one of their masks falls off. Holy ****! It's CJayC. Your GameFAQs account has been B7'd. Fortunately enough for you, they are more ninjas than lawyers and they all run away (by jumping in the air and disappearing). You think you win, but it turns out they just put their masks on and put on some armor. They decide to battle you with legal action and force to make you give your money to them. You say "Screw the rules, I have money!". In response, CJayC says "Well, there's no point in arguing against that logic" CJayC forces the moderator ninja lawyers to take your money that you gained. A giant warp pipe appears outside of the small claims court... what do you do? A. Jump in B. Walk around it C. take your money back D. Go back to high school because you feel that you can't return to work without getting fired E. Other (specify) F. Combination (specify) You return to high school. You see a hot girl with a big butt. How do you react? A. Introduce yourself B. Stare at her C. Fap D. other (Put it in). E. combination (specify). You try to put it in, but realise you have nothing to put in (you should have been a guy)... What do you do know? A. Introduce yourself B. Stare at her C. Fap D. other (specify). E. combination (specify) You introduce yourself by saying "Now, this is a story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down, And I liked to take a minute Just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the princess of a town called Bel Air In west Philadelphia born and raised On the playground was where I spent most of my days Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school When a couple of guys Who were up to no good Startin makin trouble in my neighborhood I got in one lil fight and my mom got scared She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in bel Air' I begged and pleaded with her day after day But she packed my suite case and send me on my way She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket. I put my walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'. First class, yo this is bad Drinking orang juice out of a champagne glass. Is this what the people of Bel-Air Living like? Hmmmmm this might be alright. But wait I hear the pricey booze, wine all that Is Bel-Air the type of place they send this cool cat? I don't think sow I'll see when I get there I hope they're prepared for the princess of Bel-Air Well, the plane landed and when I came out There was a dude who looked like a cop and yelled my name out I ain't trying to get arrested I just got here I sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappeared I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I can say this cab is rare But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Princess of Bel Air" then you told her your name. She said her name was Maxine Power (apparently she got her name from a hair drier and turned it feminine with ine at the end. What do you do now A. try to kiss her B. stare at her C. Fap D. pretend to be her friend E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) You try to kiss her, but she stops you and says "OMG WTF H4X. There are no girls on the Interwebz." It turns out the highschool you're in is on the internet. You are inside the internet! Where do you go? A. GameFAQs.com B. *spoilers*.com C. A random Pr0n site D. Back outside of the Interwebz E. Try to stay in highschool and kiss her F. other (specify) You go to GameFAQs and fortunatly enough for you, CJayC is too busy counting his money to remember to B7 your account. What board do you visit on gameFAQs? A. Board 8 B. PotD C. RI D. CE E. LUE F. a game board (specify) G. other (specify) You go into your boards list and select "GameFAQs Contests". You now need to do something... What do you do? A. Account suicide B. Lurk C. Troll D. Start a flame war with someone (KiraYamato) E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) You start a flame war with KiraYamato, which, over the next week, results in many accounts being banned (including yours and KiraYamato's). Now that you can't be on GameFAQs, you go out of the interwebz. You notice someone in your house who shouldn't be there. Who is it? A. 23 zombies B. Link C. Cloud Strife D. Jay Solano E. Other (Your father) Your Father is standing in your room. What do you do? A. Kill him with your 1337 katana B. Kill him with your 1337 martial arts C. Talk to him D. Run Away E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) You run away to a grassy field. A wild Tauros Appeared! What do you do now? A. Attack B. Item (Ultra Ball) C. PKMN D. Run You throw an ultra ball at the Tauros. Congratulations you have captured a tauros! Give a nickname to Tauros? A. yes (specify) B. No Now that you have captured a Tauros, what do you want Tauros to do? A. Rampage around the city B. stay in the ultra ball C. Fight your dad D. Catch more Tauros E. other (Mate) F. combination (specify) You mate with the tauros and receive a minotaur as a child. What do you do with the tauros and the minotaur? A. mate more B. Revenge (against your father) C. rampage around the city D. other (specify) E. combination (Revenge against your father by mating with him.) You have created a brilliant tactic for revenge against your father. You decide to mate with him, when Tauros knocks down the door, and kills your father. Sadly this has killed your friendship with Tauros and your minotaur child. Your Tauros faces you ready to attack you as well. What do you do now? A. Attack B. Item C. Pokemon D. Run You look at the pokeballs you have on your belt. Which one do you pick A. The one on the left B. The one in the middle C. The one on the right D. All of them You throw the one in the middle to the floor and outside forms a Metapod. "Metapod" the Metapod says then the tauros starts to laugh itself to death. Your Metapod manages to harden five hundred times before Tauros regains its composure and charges at Metapod. Tauros's horns shatter and Metapod uses string shot to slow tauros down. Metapod begins attack Tauros with multiple tackles until Tauros finally falls. What do you do now? A. See what the other pokemon were B. mate with Metapod C. Go back home D. Play WoW E. Other (Go to a strip club) F. Combination (specify) You go to the strip club for three hours and end up giving tips that total up to $100. After arriving back home you were at a crime scene. The police are about to arrest you for 2nd degree murder, when you decide to shout "Screw the rules I have money". This stuns the police a bit, just long enough for you to decide what to do. What do you do? A. Kick them in the balls and run B. Bribe them C. Run away D. Go to jail E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) You bribe the police with all the money that you have and they graciously accept the bribe. When you arrive back home you learn that the police are now covering up evidence of the murder. You enter your room and the FSM (flying spaghetti monster) is waiting for you and is very angry. His Noodly Appendage informs you that you have not been a pirate long enough and you face His Noodly Appendage's wrath. You are sent to heaven, where there are beer volcanoes as far as the eye can see, and there is a stripper factory. Where to go first? A. Beer Volcanoes B. Stripper Factory C. Visit the FSM D. Go back to earth You visit the flying Spaghetti Monster, but don't know what do do. A. request the ability to leave B. Be touched by his noodly apendage C. Kick him in the meat... balls D. Move on to the beer volcanoes You try to kick The FSM in his meatballs, but he blocks you with his noodly appendage. He attacks you with one of his other noodly appendage. You have no choice but to retreat to the beer volcanoes. You want the beer, but have to climb the volcano to reach it. What do you do now? A. Climb up the volcano. B. Wait for the volcano to erupt C. move on to the stripper factory. D. other (specify) You try to get up the beer volcano by climbing, but you start to fall up because it is too steep. To save you from falling to a second death the FSM makes the beer volcano erupt. You swim down the flow of beer and avoid hitting any rocks on your way down. You drank enough beer on your way down to get drunk. You move to the stripper factory and stay there for approximately six (Earth) hours. You jump out of pastafarian heaven and go back into your corpse. Your corpse with you inside it wakes up and there is someone in your room who shouldn't be there (again). Who is it? A. other (Vlado) ''' Vlado is in your room, burning your Nintendo games to restore balance to your game library. You put him in the fire, yet he doesn't seem to be affected. "Your flames can't hurt me, for I am the holiest person to exist, with the exception of Jesus", said Vlado. Since you can't kill him you need to take a plan of action. What do you do? A. amass an army of Board 8'ers to attack Vlado. B. move Vlado out peacefully C. Use force to get him out '''D. Ninja Lawyer time! E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) You summon your ninja lawyers by singing .. "I wanna be the very best like no lawyer ever was To sue them is my real test To sue them is my cause I will travel across the land searching far and wide Each lawsuit to understand the power that's inside Lawyers! its you and me I know its my destiny, Lawyers! Oh you're my best friend in a world we must defend Lawyers! a heart not true Our loop holes will pull us through, You teach me and I'll sue you, Lawsuits! gotta sue 'em all Every lawsuit along the way with courage I will face. I will sue you every day to claim my rightful place. Come with me, the time is right, there's no better team. Arm in arm we'll win the 'suit! It's always been our dream! " They were so impressed with your m4d skills that they were willing to sue for free. You successfully won the lawsuit and got Vlado to buy you the games he burnt. Now what do you do? A. Go to school (for learning more to make more money) B. Go to work (to make more money) C. Become a pirate (to solve global warming) D. Eat a taco (because they taste good) E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) After finally remembering the teachings of Pastafarianism, you remember you must become a pirate to solve global warming. You go to a local costume store to purchase your pirate outfit, but realize that you bribed the police with all of your money your money to get them to not arrest you for homicide. How do you get your costume? A. Steal it (you're a pirate now) B. Work for money and buy it C. Forget about it and try to become a pirate without one D. Convert to another religion E. other (specify) F. combination (A then D) ''' You decide to steal the costume, but while were on your way to convert to piratism you notice a police officer approaching you while you're wearing the costume. What do you do about the police officer '''A. talk to him and assume that he wants to talk about the homicide cover-up B. Kick him in the balls and run away C. Ignore him D. run away E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) You talk to the officer and soon discovered that you were talking to an officer from another police station. You accidentally told him about the cover-up. How do you diffuse the situation? A. Tell him you were just joking because of how corrupt the police department seems B. Try to make it seem like you're insane so your testimony could be questionable C. Try to give him amnesia by hitting him in the head with a shovel that's near you D. Kill him E. Other (specify) F. Combination (Try to convert him to Piratism.) You convert the pirate to piratism and, as a fellow pirate, he understands your situation and lets you go. Now you must go to the seas and solve global warming. What do you encounter along the way? A. A Hurricane caused by the lack of pirates. B. Captain Planet C. The now slightly enraged FSM D. Something nobody expects E. other (specify) F. combination (specify) Something nobody expects appears. A giant space dinosaur! Fortunately for you an army of pirates comes to your rescue and attacks the giant space dinosaur. Without those pirates at seas the global temperature will no doubt raise too much. How do you help? A. Fight the giant space dinosaur with the other pirates B. Request for all other pirates to get back to the seas and deal with the giant space dinosaur yourself C. Take over the jobs of all the pirates D. Convert back to Pastafarianism so the pirates won't need to help you E. other (specify) You fight the giant space dinosaur, but got your ass kicked because you forgot to fight with a weapon. You die and the whole world is destroyed because of global warming induced flooding and hurricanes. You begin to see yourself going somewhere, where is it? A. Nowhere. All you are is dust in the wind. B. Positive afterlife (specify which version of the afterlife it is ) C. Negative afterlife (specify which version of the afterlife it is) D. The interwebz E. A world of video games (specify where you are) F. Other (specify) Somehow, the afterlife is a life in the interwebs. You are banned from GameFAQs and have no idea where to go. Where do you guide yourself A. To a pr0n site B. To find a way out C. The Twilight Zone D. Find some way around being banned from GameFAQs E. other (specify) How will you un-ban yourself? A. Check if you have any alts that aren't banned B. Challenge CJayC to a D-D-D-D-Duel C. Challenge CJayC to a Fight D. make an online petition for the banning to be repealed E. other (specify) Fortunately for you, you do have an alt that isn't banned. Instinctively upon accessing it you return to Board 8. What do you do now? A. Announce your return so that you get celebrated B. Make a trolling topic, because it's funny to see fanboys overreact C. Try to start a new fad D. Start a rant about how basic and predictable (and somehow random at the same time) wowthisishard's CYOA is E. other (specify) You decide to make a new fad by making a video by taking various portions of speeches or debates (that were recorded on an audio format) from current and former American presidents when they were running for or were president in an attempt to create a hilarious video. You did this by making them finish each other's sentences, giving each one of them a few excerpts from speeches which in combination rapes and kills grammar, makes one or most presidents sound like members of organizations that I can't mention because it might be offensive, or enemies of America. Throughout the video you have the American flag waving in the background and during the credits there are video blunders of George W. Bush. At the end of the credits there is the video clip of George W. Bush giving a reporter the "one fingered victory salute". You post the video on youtube and make a topic here dedicated to it. Because you forgot to mention that they were the presidents, nobody knew who most of them were and your fad failed. What do you do now? A. Announce your return so that you get celebrated B. Make a trolling topic, because it's funny to see fanboys overreact C. Try to start another new fad D. Start a rant about how basic and predictable (and somehow random at the same time) wowthisishard's (lol the spellcheck tries to correct this as "woodshed's") CYOA is E. other (specify) You make a trolling topic with the title "SSB, MGS, Final Fantasy, The Legend of Zelda, the Nintendo wii, and the X-box 360 all suck" (I do not care that the title couldn't realistically fit). Inside is a rant full of bad grammar, circular logic, opinions stated as facts, facts, and a display of ignorance. In the topic you claim that SSB is a "depth-less button masher", that MGS "sux cus I said so", that Final Fantasy "has too many differences between combat systems of games and is a label merely tacked on so that money may be drawn from it", that The Legend of Zelda "is all the same crap-fest painted over with fancier looking sprites or character models, meant to sell the same product over and over again", that the Nintendo wii "is a ripoff of the Colecovision and is not innovative at all", that the X-box 360 is "a worthless piece of (censor bypass) compared to the PS3" and that the PS3 "is unfairly flamed for irrelevant reasons" (the most true thing in your topic IMO). Needless to say the pissed off fanboys mark you for trolling OVER NINE THOUSAAAAANDD!!!! times and your topic becomes a 500 topic without you ever posting again, and only one of those posts refers to you as "that America hating jackass who tried to make a fad video that makes all the modern US presidents look like (members of a probably offensive group). Your account and all of your alts get deleted and you get KOSed. What do you do now? A. Laugh your ass off at the fanboys comments that you had the foresight to archieve B. Find a way off of the internet C. Go to another website (specify) D. Put it in E. other (specify) You laugh your ass off at stupid comments left by the stupid fanboys. You are satisfied with your trolling and decide (although I didn't give you a choice) to challenge CJayC to a D-D-D-D-D-D-Duel. Before the match CJayC's Power level: OVER NINE THOUSAAAAANDD!!!! Slutty McSlutSlut's power level: Nintendo Sixty-FOOOOOOOOOOUR!!!!!! What do you do? A. Surrender (reject my forced duel and find a way out of the Internet in disgrace) B. Fight the hopeless duel with honor C. Try to find some way to lower CJayC's power D. Try to find some way to raise your power E. Both C and D F. Kick him in the balls G. Other (Eat a peanut) You eat a peanut and your power level becomes 300... What do you do about the duel? A. Surrender (reject my forced duel and find a way out of the Internet in disgrace) B. Fight the hopeless duel with honor C. Try to find some way to lower CJayC's power D. Try to find some way to raise your power E. Both C and D F. Kick him in the balls G. Other (specify) H. combination of other and one of the letters above (specify) Having kicked CJayC in the balls and therefore reducing his power level to 0, you decide to duel. CJayC, out of rage, becomes no longer interested in a duel and instead wants a battle... Administrator CJayC would like to battle! CJayC sends out his ninja lawyer moderators... Who or what do you send out? A. The Jack Bauer Statue from outside of your work B. That fake girl you tried to kiss C. Random Internet Highschoolers (specify a high school stereotype, such as emos, jocks, etc.) D. The deceased pirates E. Fight the mods yourself F. other (specify) You decide that you have to fight the ninja lawyer mods yourself so you step forward to battle... How do you attack? A. Kick them all in the balls B. Distract them then kick them in the balls C. Try to make it look like you're going to hit them then kick them in the balls D. mate E. Throw a master ball at each one of them (you manipulated the missingno. glitch) F. Enter a turn based RPG sequence G. Send out Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan lightning fast to kick CJayC in his administrator ass (not that I'm encouraging violence against CJayC or calling him an ass) H. Other (specify) You enter a turn-based RPG system styled fight: your Hp: 30/100 Your Mp: 10/100 Enemies: Moderators (x 20) (number 1-20 to specify which to use an attack or item on) 1 hp each (due to their sheer numbers) CJayC (knocking him out makes it so that you don't have to fight all 20 moderators) (80 hp) A. Attack (specify moderator #) B. Items (you start out with one generic healing item that heals 20 hp and a generic mp healing item that heals 20 mp) C. Spells (summon 70 ninja warriors of your own cost: 10 of your mp and a spell that damages all enemies based on how many enemies you have costs 10 mp) D. Run away E. something I forgot (specify) Category: CYOA